[He lifts his tea to disguise the faint tremor in his hand, letting the cup rest against his lower lip for a couple of seconds as he focuses very intensely on a single blade of grass somewhere out in front of him.]
I knew what I was doing. [Alexei tells her quietly.] I could have done everything differently, but I didn't.
[He shakes his head.]
Abel got the worst version of me I could have been. It wasn't just the Alliance that hurt him. I did.
[Alexei goes still, then exhales sharply and puts his arm around her to pull her in against his side so he can press a kiss against the side of her head.]
Love you too, little sister.
[And maybe his voice sounds just a little thick. Don't worry about the way his Russian accent is sliding in around the edges.]
It just... it makes it hard to feel justified being angry at him. When he does something fucking stupid.
[She smiles softly, before leaning against him, gently wrapping an arm around his waist in return. She squeezes gently, and leans her head against his arm for a few moments.]
Well...would it help if you'd ask yourself: would you be still angry about whatever stupid thing that was said if it was someone else? More so? Less?
But more...if you're angry at him...isn't that a chance to talk to him about your feelings?
I am angry, Aerith, I just... I don't always shout and swear and kick shit around when I'm mad about something, okay?
[As unusual as that is for him, his anger is usually a short burst type of thing not this... sustained frustration.]
It's... personal stuff. Really personal. For both of us, or I'd just tell you. I don't want to... make him sound like a dick. Even if he's acting like one.
[She sighs. It worries her to see him like this. He's gotten so much better- less poised and ready to act as if he's in danger. But this can't be good for him.]
If it's not your story to tell, I won't ask. Personal is personal.
Is there anything you'd like me to do? Other than keep you company?
[Alexei stays quiet for a minute after she asks him that. He might be looking at a particular blade of grass or the tip of a finger, somewhere in the space in front of him.]
I don't know, really. I'm... [He rubs the back of his head.]
Abel, he's... he's the one person I've always been one hundred percent sure of here, you know? Even if things haven't always been great. And now I'm just... not.
[She wondered, watching him. What had changed with Abel. Why he wasn't as reliable as he once was. Maybe...she flexed her toes in her boots, thinking to herself.]
Well...what made him different to you? Is he...acting like someone else?
Or...does it feel like he's trying to move on without you somehow...?
[She considered this. This was very serious, something upsetting him, could mean the end...or at least an awkward part of their relationship. But...she has to wonder.]
[He's not quite waspish, but there's a certain edge to his voice that warns of that particular topic not being one to push at.]
But I'm not— I'm not. That's the fucking thing. [His hands move in a short, frustrated gesture.] This— this guy, that I am right now? It's not some kind of new and improved version of me. It's just me. How I always was. How I was before.
[With a bit of extra damage, sure, but that isn't the point.]
I'm not giving anything or anyone here credit for the fact I have a fucking personality that doesn't revolve around being a manipulative dick.
Long story. But the short of it is, I spent over a year manipulating Abel, lying to him, and making sure no one else could get close enough to him to warn him about me.
[And he makes no excuses about it.]
It's what I was taken on for. If I didn't do what I was told, they were gonna send me back to prison.
[She blinks, clearly taken aback. This was what he did?
Acting as a guard dog, stringing him along? Because of a prison sentence? Alexei made sure to let her know his time in prison was...bad. And...he's just barely older than her.
It's a lot to take in at once.
It's little wonder that Aerith...goes quiet as she thinks on this.]
[He doesn't say anything. It isn't that he kept it from Aerith on purpose, it just never came up, and he's so strangely used to people just knowing because Abel told them or they were around during the one Flood where some version of him was dicking around on the Barge that he forgets who wasn't here for it.
Alexei fidgets, looking down at his hands and picking a few pieces of loose skin away from his cuticles.]
[Some things start to make sense. But too...it is odd this never came up but- how can you bring it up casually? That you used someone, hurt them because you were terrified?
Looking at him now, he's still scared. He's just scared of different things now.
Aerith blew out a breath, her gaze landing on his hands.]
We should do a nail day.
[Her voice was very soft. A way of saying- she still wanted him in her life.]
I'm going to need to take some time to...process that. But thats something I can do later.
I want to be here for you, and listen. And help, if I can.
[He wants to start protesting. Explaining. He swallows it down because she asked for time, she'll ask her questions when she's had the opportunity to think things through.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I knew what I was doing. [Alexei tells her quietly.] I could have done everything differently, but I didn't.
[He shakes his head.]
Abel got the worst version of me I could have been. It wasn't just the Alliance that hurt him. I did.
no subject
I'm not pretending you're perfect.
But you're not the worst either.
[She took in a deep breath.]
You feel guilt, and you admit you messed up. That's a long way from being the worst person.
And you're still my brother. And I love you.
And I'll still love you, even if you did something horrible to Abel.
no subject
Love you too, little sister.
[And maybe his voice sounds just a little thick. Don't worry about the way his Russian accent is sliding in around the edges.]
It just... it makes it hard to feel justified being angry at him. When he does something fucking stupid.
no subject
Well...would it help if you'd ask yourself: would you be still angry about whatever stupid thing that was said if it was someone else? More so? Less?
But more...if you're angry at him...isn't that a chance to talk to him about your feelings?
no subject
It's kind of a special case. No one else would say it. [He doesn't want to gossip, but she can probably tease it out of him if she keeps at it anyway.
Then he shakes his head a bit, looking down.]
And-- no. I'm not... I'm not good at talking through shit when I'm angry. I'll probably just say something I can't take back.
no subject
[She raises her eyebrows. But that still had her lightly touch his arm in concern.]
Well...if you're not angry now...would you like to practice something? So you can say thay you need to tell him another time.
no subject
[As unusual as that is for him, his anger is usually a short burst type of thing not this... sustained frustration.]
It's... personal stuff. Really personal. For both of us, or I'd just tell you. I don't want to... make him sound like a dick. Even if he's acting like one.
no subject
[She sighs. It worries her to see him like this. He's gotten so much better- less poised and ready to act as if he's in danger. But this can't be good for him.]
If it's not your story to tell, I won't ask. Personal is personal.
Is there anything you'd like me to do? Other than keep you company?
no subject
I don't know, really. I'm... [He rubs the back of his head.]
Abel, he's... he's the one person I've always been one hundred percent sure of here, you know? Even if things haven't always been great. And now I'm just... not.
no subject
Well...what made him different to you? Is he...acting like someone else?
Or...does it feel like he's trying to move on without you somehow...?
no subject
No, no... that isn't it at all.]
Don't think so. [Alexei mutters. It's an uncomfortable area of thought. Abel is so incredibly important to him, but...]
There's... [Mgh. He rubs a hand over his face.] Distance. But... he's not the one moving forward. I am.
no subject
[She considered this. This was very serious, something upsetting him, could mean the end...or at least an awkward part of their relationship. But...she has to wonder.]
Is it so bad, that you're growing and changing?
no subject
[He's not quite waspish, but there's a certain edge to his voice that warns of that particular topic not being one to push at.]
But I'm not— I'm not. That's the fucking thing. [His hands move in a short, frustrated gesture.] This— this guy, that I am right now? It's not some kind of new and improved version of me. It's just me. How I always was. How I was before.
[With a bit of extra damage, sure, but that isn't the point.]
I'm not giving anything or anyone here credit for the fact I have a fucking personality that doesn't revolve around being a manipulative dick.
no subject
She frowns.]
Manipulative? I've...never seen you like that Alexei. I don't understand.
no subject
Long story. But the short of it is, I spent over a year manipulating Abel, lying to him, and making sure no one else could get close enough to him to warn him about me.
[And he makes no excuses about it.]
It's what I was taken on for. If I didn't do what I was told, they were gonna send me back to prison.
no subject
Acting as a guard dog, stringing him along? Because of a prison sentence? Alexei made sure to let her know his time in prison was...bad. And...he's just barely older than her.
It's a lot to take in at once.
It's little wonder that Aerith...goes quiet as she thinks on this.]
no subject
Alexei fidgets, looking down at his hands and picking a few pieces of loose skin away from his cuticles.]
no subject
Looking at him now, he's still scared. He's just scared of different things now.
Aerith blew out a breath, her gaze landing on his hands.]
We should do a nail day.
[Her voice was very soft. A way of saying- she still wanted him in her life.]
I'm going to need to take some time to...process that. But thats something I can do later.
I want to be here for you, and listen. And help, if I can.
no subject
Fuck, he really thought she was just going to get up and walk away after that.]
Yeah.
[Soft. A small nod.]
... Thanks, Aerith.
no subject
[She offered a soft little sigh.]
...want a hug?
no subject
Yeah. Yeah, I would.
no subject
[She moved to hug him, and give him a squeeze. All gentle.]
no subject
[He puts his arms around her and his fingers curl against her back as he rests his chin against her shoulder.]
I know it's... a lot. If you want to ask me anything...
no subject
[A lot. She stroked a hand over his back, still very gentle.]
But I don't want to...rush what I'm feeling. This deserves time to think it over.
no subject
[He wants to start protesting. Explaining. He swallows it down because she asked for time, she'll ask her questions when she's had the opportunity to think things through.]
Yeah, I get it. Just... whenever.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)