[ She says he doesn't have to be okay. But...he always had to be. No matter what was thrown at him, he always had to keep going. To hold it together and make the best of any given situation. No matter how shitty it was.
And he did. He fucking did, even when his entire world was crumbling all around him. None of it was fair, not a damn bit of it - which is part of the reason why he got so angry.
Now, though - now, he just feels heartsick. Because he doesn't want to fight with Angeal, doesn't want to be angry or yelling or feeling like he's right back in Aerith's church with all the weight of his loss and grief.
All he's done is make things worse, and he doesn't know how to fix it.
He closes his eyes, leans into her a little, and lets out a soft breath he didn't realize he was holding. ]
...I didn't try my best. I just...blew up. And now, it's - everything's all messed up.
[Her sigh is quiet, almost peaceful against his shoulder. He doesn't have to be okay. He needs to breathe, to be sometimes. She wonders for a few moments if he ever talked to Sheehan, did art therapy, but she isn't sure. Zack might have been too restless for that.
But she'll be here for him now. She'll offer him a kiss to his temple, and hold him like he's the most precious thing in the world.
Because he is.]
Maybe it isn't. Screwed up I mean. Could you tell me what happened?
Maybe we can figure out what to do, together.
[She's more than happy to listen. It wouldn't be the first nor the last time she tried to listen, to help. Especially for Zack. She wanted him to know he was safe, that he could tell her things.
[ Zack has talked to Sheehan a few times. Even asked for his advice once or twice. But he's never tried therapy. He knows that's what Sheehan does, but he's never asked about doing it. Never seriously considered it, either. Mostly because...talking is extremely hard. It's one of the reasons why he opted to play the recording he had rather than relate what happened in Nibelheim all over again himself.
He's still thinking about it even though the conversation is over. The reactor. The fire. Sephiroth and Jenova. The...thing that Angeal turned himself into. That last fight with Genesis.
He would probably still be crying if it wasn't for her. And it's...striking. Novel. The idea that they could...sit and talk and figure things out together. Because they never could back home.
His hand finds one of hers and...squeezes gently. ]
[She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, thinking. She had once accused Angeal that he had made Zack cry, and he did not refute it. And, she thinks if she asks Zack directly, he might tell her if it was true or...it could just blow up in her face.
Gently, she pressed her forehead against his shoulder.]
What was it about?
[Aerith could guess. But...she would rather just hear everything, hear what he has to say, before making any judgements. That way they could come up with the best plan.]
[ What wasn't the fight about? That's the real question.
It's so messy and complicated, especially since he really...hasn't told her much of anything about what happened between them. Because of that, explaining the argument means...talking about all the rest.
He looks down at his hands, and the thought of having to try and relate all of that hits him like a ton of brinks. He doesn't know what to say or how to say...any of it. All he knows is that...keeping it all clammed up inside hasn't been helping.
So...he takes a breath. ]
...it's complicated.
[ Very, very complicated. ]
Back home...Angeal was my mentor. In SOLDIER. But then when everything went bad...he disappeared. I thought I could bring him back in, but-
[ He stops, and it seems he's...really struggling with how to word this. ]
When I came back that time and just...cried... It was because I'd killed him. Because he didn't give me any other choice.
[She knew there were things that he hadn't told her...but it still breaks her heart. Hearing that it's complicated- it was something she had figured, considering Shinra and the way it complicated things. But...even as she listened, she felt her heart ache, for Zack.
Aerith had known that Zack had been under so much pressure, especially after that upset visit at the church. But this was...it was so much more than she realized. ]
Did he...attack you?
[Had he lost control? Or told him to...? Well now. She now has no regrets on kicking Angeal in the shin. He did make Zack cry.]
[ The answer to the question is so much more complex than a simple 'yes' or 'no'. There's context - a lot of it - and figuring out how to give a short yet complete version of that is...hard.
Even so...he tries. ]
The Jenova Project...didn't just involve Sephiroth. There were...two branches. Project G...and Project S. Project S...is where Sephiroth came from. Hojo's work. The surviving townspeople in Nibeheim, Cloud, and me...were also used for that.
Project G...was the work of someone else in the Science Department. Professor Hollander. That's where two of our other Firsts - Angeal and Genesis - came from.
The problem with that line, though, is that...even though they developed some of Jenova's powers...their bodies were unstable. They started....degrading. Genesis was the first to develop symptoms, and when he learned the truth, he deserted and took a bunch of other SOLDIERs with him.
Angeal left...to try to bring Genesis back. When he learned the truth...he didn't come back, either.
So...I got sent on a mission to deal with Genesis. I won that fight...and when it was over, I found Angeal there, too. I wanted to talk, but - he wanted fight. I'm not sure how much of that was...him starting to degrade or...the fact that he hated what he was. But. He turned himself into a monster. He gave me this [ he brushes a finger briefly over the scar on his cheek ], and...after I won...he gave me his sword.
[It's a lot that he's summing up in a short amount of time. She at least knew about the projects now, thanks to adventuring with Cloud, Vincent and everyone else. And there was the mention of Hojo, and she bit the inside of her cheek. She knew his fingers were in a lot of people's lives. She just didn't realize how many. And he had changed Sephiroth's, Zack's, and Cloud's lives and for what?
Yes, they were stronger, and she was so glad to have met Zack, and Cloud. But what was the price of it all? People were hurt. So many lives ended and were damaged, for the sake of experimentation.
Gently, she brushes her fingers over his cheek, before going back to grasp his fingers gently. So gently.]
Thank you for telling me Zack. This can't be easy to talk about.
[Not just summing it up. But trusting her, letting her know, even when it was painful and all the emotions are right up on the surface, painful and causing heart ache. She's quiet for a few moments, thinking and letting it go through her mind as to how she feels, how Zack must feel, and what to do with this.
Still not regretting kicking Angeal though.]
So today...he wanted to talk about what he did? And...you two fought about it? Verbally?
[Because if Angeal forced Zack to mercy kill him again...he's in a world of trouble with Aerith. Verbally, still not great, but something they can work with. She hoped.]
[ Zack worries his lip a little and...tries to focus on her hands clasping his. ]
I don't...really talk about it. I couldn't, back then.
[ It was all company business, and telling her about it would have put her at risk. And he wouldn't do that, not for anything. ]
Today...his Warden thought we should talk and...actually talk. So he asked if he could come over, and I said yes because...I know we have to...find a way to sort some of this out so he can...actually graduate.
He mentioned something about an apology but we both agreed it...wouldn't really mean much right now. And I said, he probably needed more context before he could get there so...I played a recording I have of- of a statement I gave about the incident in Nibelheim. It upset him, and- we ended up in this...debate over whether Sephiroth should ever regain his memories or not. He made some comments that pissed me off; I got short with him. Because he was...doing that thing he did back home, where he just. Started putting everything on his own shoulders like he had to fix everything, when he doesn't even have a clue how to fix himself. And I yelled at him.
And it -
[ He stops, takes a breath, and blinks back the tears before going on. ]
I understand. You were protecting me, like you always did- unless I was protecting you.
[Or at least help him, guide him, support him where she could. It didn't feel like much. But it was also all she could do, out of love.
But she listened to what happened today, what caused this upset and...she blew out a breath, and gave his hands a squeeze.
That was bad. Really bad. It needed to happen, but it didn't mean it couldn't have been...she's not sure. Gone better? But it can't go better, because it's the same cycle, the same story. And she gives him a careful squeeze with her arms over his.]
It's not your fault Zack. None of this is your fault.
And you don't have to do this alone. Not anymore. I'm here. So is Cloud, Vincent, Yunlan and everyone else.
[She squeezed him again. So gently.]
Angeal needs to know he needs to look at himself, and needs to let himself be helped.
[ Zack shakes his head. It’s kind so kind of her what she’s doing, but he just. In this moment, where he’s hurting and blaming himself for how the conversation went, he can’t see it. ]
I don’t know how to lead him. I don’t - I can’t even figure out how to talk to him.
[ He tried and look what happened. A disaster. ]
It’s been years for me, a really long time, but for him, I was that 16 year old kid five seconds before he got here. It didn’t matter what I said or did then, either, and I don’t - I still don’t know what to do.
[ Zack hates this feeling. The grief, the sadness…but also the sense that he’s hit a wall, and there’s no clear path forward. He’s been in this position so many times in his life, and he’s hated it every time.
Because he’s always been alone in those moments. Always had to make tough calls because no one else was there to do it.
This fight has just dragged all that up for him again, and even with Aerith here, he feels…trapped, for lack of a better word.
He knows he’s not by himself, that he has friends here…but retraining himself to lean on them is…hard.
It’s why he doesn’t say anything for a moment. Why he has to think about breathing instead and…trying not to cry. Again. ]
Promise you what?
[ His voice sounds small, and while it’s not an automatic ‘no’, it’s…tentative. ]
[Her voice was tentative. Soft. As if she thought that she would be rejected for offering such a thing. But she continues, even if she wasn't sure if he would take to the idea- if he would possibly decide to go at this by himself.
At least she tries to explain.]
It just seems...to me...that a lot of the bad stuff in our lives-you, me, Angeal, Cloud, Sephiroth and...heck, even Vincent...we try to be tough and do things alone.
And it blows up in our faces.
Please...Zack. When things are hard...please. Tell me. Even if we can't fix it- I don't want you to suffer and feel like you have to take on everything by yourself.
You don't deserve that. You never, ever deserved that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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And he did. He fucking did, even when his entire world was crumbling all around him. None of it was fair, not a damn bit of it - which is part of the reason why he got so angry.
Now, though - now, he just feels heartsick. Because he doesn't want to fight with Angeal, doesn't want to be angry or yelling or feeling like he's right back in Aerith's church with all the weight of his loss and grief.
All he's done is make things worse, and he doesn't know how to fix it.
He closes his eyes, leans into her a little, and lets out a soft breath he didn't realize he was holding. ]
...I didn't try my best. I just...blew up. And now, it's - everything's all messed up.
no subject
But she'll be here for him now. She'll offer him a kiss to his temple, and hold him like he's the most precious thing in the world.
Because he is.]
Maybe it isn't. Screwed up I mean. Could you tell me what happened?
Maybe we can figure out what to do, together.
[She's more than happy to listen. It wouldn't be the first nor the last time she tried to listen, to help. Especially for Zack. She wanted him to know he was safe, that he could tell her things.
And she could tell him things too.]
no subject
He's still thinking about it even though the conversation is over. The reactor. The fire. Sephiroth and Jenova. The...thing that Angeal turned himself into. That last fight with Genesis.
He would probably still be crying if it wasn't for her. And it's...striking. Novel. The idea that they could...sit and talk and figure things out together. Because they never could back home.
His hand finds one of hers and...squeezes gently. ]
...I had a fight with Angeal.
no subject
[She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, thinking. She had once accused Angeal that he had made Zack cry, and he did not refute it. And, she thinks if she asks Zack directly, he might tell her if it was true or...it could just blow up in her face.
Gently, she pressed her forehead against his shoulder.]
What was it about?
[Aerith could guess. But...she would rather just hear everything, hear what he has to say, before making any judgements. That way they could come up with the best plan.]
no subject
It's so messy and complicated, especially since he really...hasn't told her much of anything about what happened between them. Because of that, explaining the argument means...talking about all the rest.
He looks down at his hands, and the thought of having to try and relate all of that hits him like a ton of brinks. He doesn't know what to say or how to say...any of it. All he knows is that...keeping it all clammed up inside hasn't been helping.
So...he takes a breath. ]
...it's complicated.
[ Very, very complicated. ]
Back home...Angeal was my mentor. In SOLDIER. But then when everything went bad...he disappeared. I thought I could bring him back in, but-
[ He stops, and it seems he's...really struggling with how to word this. ]
When I came back that time and just...cried... It was because I'd killed him. Because he didn't give me any other choice.
no subject
Aerith had known that Zack had been under so much pressure, especially after that upset visit at the church. But this was...it was so much more than she realized. ]
Did he...attack you?
[Had he lost control? Or told him to...? Well now. She now has no regrets on kicking Angeal in the shin. He did make Zack cry.]
no subject
Even so...he tries. ]
The Jenova Project...didn't just involve Sephiroth. There were...two branches. Project G...and Project S. Project S...is where Sephiroth came from. Hojo's work. The surviving townspeople in Nibeheim, Cloud, and me...were also used for that.
Project G...was the work of someone else in the Science Department. Professor Hollander. That's where two of our other Firsts - Angeal and Genesis - came from.
The problem with that line, though, is that...even though they developed some of Jenova's powers...their bodies were unstable. They started....degrading. Genesis was the first to develop symptoms, and when he learned the truth, he deserted and took a bunch of other SOLDIERs with him.
Angeal left...to try to bring Genesis back. When he learned the truth...he didn't come back, either.
So...I got sent on a mission to deal with Genesis. I won that fight...and when it was over, I found Angeal there, too. I wanted to talk, but - he wanted fight. I'm not sure how much of that was...him starting to degrade or...the fact that he hated what he was. But. He turned himself into a monster. He gave me this [ he brushes a finger briefly over the scar on his cheek ], and...after I won...he gave me his sword.
no subject
Yes, they were stronger, and she was so glad to have met Zack, and Cloud. But what was the price of it all? People were hurt. So many lives ended and were damaged, for the sake of experimentation.
Gently, she brushes her fingers over his cheek, before going back to grasp his fingers gently. So gently.]
Thank you for telling me Zack. This can't be easy to talk about.
[Not just summing it up. But trusting her, letting her know, even when it was painful and all the emotions are right up on the surface, painful and causing heart ache. She's quiet for a few moments, thinking and letting it go through her mind as to how she feels, how Zack must feel, and what to do with this.
Still not regretting kicking Angeal though.]
So today...he wanted to talk about what he did? And...you two fought about it? Verbally?
[Because if Angeal forced Zack to mercy kill him again...he's in a world of trouble with Aerith. Verbally, still not great, but something they can work with. She hoped.]
no subject
I don't...really talk about it. I couldn't, back then.
[ It was all company business, and telling her about it would have put her at risk. And he wouldn't do that, not for anything. ]
Today...his Warden thought we should talk and...actually talk. So he asked if he could come over, and I said yes because...I know we have to...find a way to sort some of this out so he can...actually graduate.
He mentioned something about an apology but we both agreed it...wouldn't really mean much right now. And I said, he probably needed more context before he could get there so...I played a recording I have of- of a statement I gave about the incident in Nibelheim. It upset him, and- we ended up in this...debate over whether Sephiroth should ever regain his memories or not. He made some comments that pissed me off; I got short with him. Because he was...doing that thing he did back home, where he just. Started putting everything on his own shoulders like he had to fix everything, when he doesn't even have a clue how to fix himself. And I yelled at him.
And it -
[ He stops, takes a breath, and blinks back the tears before going on. ]
It's just like before. I can't fix any of it.
no subject
[Or at least help him, guide him, support him where she could. It didn't feel like much. But it was also all she could do, out of love.
But she listened to what happened today, what caused this upset and...she blew out a breath, and gave his hands a squeeze.
That was bad. Really bad. It needed to happen, but it didn't mean it couldn't have been...she's not sure. Gone better? But it can't go better, because it's the same cycle, the same story. And she gives him a careful squeeze with her arms over his.]
It's not your fault Zack. None of this is your fault.
And you don't have to do this alone. Not anymore. I'm here. So is Cloud, Vincent, Yunlan and everyone else.
[She squeezed him again. So gently.]
Angeal needs to know he needs to look at himself, and needs to let himself be helped.
And you can help him too, by leading by example.
no subject
I don’t know how to lead him. I don’t - I can’t even figure out how to talk to him.
[ He tried and look what happened. A disaster. ]
It’s been years for me, a really long time, but for him, I was that 16 year old kid five seconds before he got here. It didn’t matter what I said or did then, either, and I don’t - I still don’t know what to do.
no subject
Two years since she died, and years since Zack died. A lot happened during that time too. And he'd been gone from her life for five. ]
He's going to have to adjust. You haven't been sixteen for a long time. But we can't force it.
Just...we don't need to plan. We don't need to know.
[She sighed. She wanted to yell at Angeal but it wouldn't help. Not Right Now.]
No leading, or any of it. You don't need to do this alone- and we don't have to do anything right away.
We're going to help him Zack. But I want you to promise me something.
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Because he’s always been alone in those moments. Always had to make tough calls because no one else was there to do it.
This fight has just dragged all that up for him again, and even with Aerith here, he feels…trapped, for lack of a better word.
He knows he’s not by himself, that he has friends here…but retraining himself to lean on them is…hard.
It’s why he doesn’t say anything for a moment. Why he has to think about breathing instead and…trying not to cry. Again. ]
Promise you what?
[ His voice sounds small, and while it’s not an automatic ‘no’, it’s…tentative. ]
no subject
[Her voice was tentative. Soft. As if she thought that she would be rejected for offering such a thing. But she continues, even if she wasn't sure if he would take to the idea- if he would possibly decide to go at this by himself.
At least she tries to explain.]
It just seems...to me...that a lot of the bad stuff in our lives-you, me, Angeal, Cloud, Sephiroth and...heck, even Vincent...we try to be tough and do things alone.
And it blows up in our faces.
Please...Zack. When things are hard...please. Tell me. Even if we can't fix it- I don't want you to suffer and feel like you have to take on everything by yourself.
You don't deserve that. You never, ever deserved that.