[It's a lot that he's summing up in a short amount of time. She at least knew about the projects now, thanks to adventuring with Cloud, Vincent and everyone else. And there was the mention of Hojo, and she bit the inside of her cheek. She knew his fingers were in a lot of people's lives. She just didn't realize how many. And he had changed Sephiroth's, Zack's, and Cloud's lives and for what?
Yes, they were stronger, and she was so glad to have met Zack, and Cloud. But what was the price of it all? People were hurt. So many lives ended and were damaged, for the sake of experimentation.
Gently, she brushes her fingers over his cheek, before going back to grasp his fingers gently. So gently.]
Thank you for telling me Zack. This can't be easy to talk about.
[Not just summing it up. But trusting her, letting her know, even when it was painful and all the emotions are right up on the surface, painful and causing heart ache. She's quiet for a few moments, thinking and letting it go through her mind as to how she feels, how Zack must feel, and what to do with this.
Still not regretting kicking Angeal though.]
So today...he wanted to talk about what he did? And...you two fought about it? Verbally?
[Because if Angeal forced Zack to mercy kill him again...he's in a world of trouble with Aerith. Verbally, still not great, but something they can work with. She hoped.]
[ Zack worries his lip a little and...tries to focus on her hands clasping his. ]
I don't...really talk about it. I couldn't, back then.
[ It was all company business, and telling her about it would have put her at risk. And he wouldn't do that, not for anything. ]
Today...his Warden thought we should talk and...actually talk. So he asked if he could come over, and I said yes because...I know we have to...find a way to sort some of this out so he can...actually graduate.
He mentioned something about an apology but we both agreed it...wouldn't really mean much right now. And I said, he probably needed more context before he could get there so...I played a recording I have of- of a statement I gave about the incident in Nibelheim. It upset him, and- we ended up in this...debate over whether Sephiroth should ever regain his memories or not. He made some comments that pissed me off; I got short with him. Because he was...doing that thing he did back home, where he just. Started putting everything on his own shoulders like he had to fix everything, when he doesn't even have a clue how to fix himself. And I yelled at him.
And it -
[ He stops, takes a breath, and blinks back the tears before going on. ]
I understand. You were protecting me, like you always did- unless I was protecting you.
[Or at least help him, guide him, support him where she could. It didn't feel like much. But it was also all she could do, out of love.
But she listened to what happened today, what caused this upset and...she blew out a breath, and gave his hands a squeeze.
That was bad. Really bad. It needed to happen, but it didn't mean it couldn't have been...she's not sure. Gone better? But it can't go better, because it's the same cycle, the same story. And she gives him a careful squeeze with her arms over his.]
It's not your fault Zack. None of this is your fault.
And you don't have to do this alone. Not anymore. I'm here. So is Cloud, Vincent, Yunlan and everyone else.
[She squeezed him again. So gently.]
Angeal needs to know he needs to look at himself, and needs to let himself be helped.
[ Zack shakes his head. It’s kind so kind of her what she’s doing, but he just. In this moment, where he’s hurting and blaming himself for how the conversation went, he can’t see it. ]
I don’t know how to lead him. I don’t - I can’t even figure out how to talk to him.
[ He tried and look what happened. A disaster. ]
It’s been years for me, a really long time, but for him, I was that 16 year old kid five seconds before he got here. It didn’t matter what I said or did then, either, and I don’t - I still don’t know what to do.
[ Zack hates this feeling. The grief, the sadness…but also the sense that he’s hit a wall, and there’s no clear path forward. He’s been in this position so many times in his life, and he’s hated it every time.
Because he’s always been alone in those moments. Always had to make tough calls because no one else was there to do it.
This fight has just dragged all that up for him again, and even with Aerith here, he feels…trapped, for lack of a better word.
He knows he’s not by himself, that he has friends here…but retraining himself to lean on them is…hard.
It’s why he doesn’t say anything for a moment. Why he has to think about breathing instead and…trying not to cry. Again. ]
Promise you what?
[ His voice sounds small, and while it’s not an automatic ‘no’, it’s…tentative. ]
[Her voice was tentative. Soft. As if she thought that she would be rejected for offering such a thing. But she continues, even if she wasn't sure if he would take to the idea- if he would possibly decide to go at this by himself.
At least she tries to explain.]
It just seems...to me...that a lot of the bad stuff in our lives-you, me, Angeal, Cloud, Sephiroth and...heck, even Vincent...we try to be tough and do things alone.
And it blows up in our faces.
Please...Zack. When things are hard...please. Tell me. Even if we can't fix it- I don't want you to suffer and feel like you have to take on everything by yourself.
You don't deserve that. You never, ever deserved that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yes, they were stronger, and she was so glad to have met Zack, and Cloud. But what was the price of it all? People were hurt. So many lives ended and were damaged, for the sake of experimentation.
Gently, she brushes her fingers over his cheek, before going back to grasp his fingers gently. So gently.]
Thank you for telling me Zack. This can't be easy to talk about.
[Not just summing it up. But trusting her, letting her know, even when it was painful and all the emotions are right up on the surface, painful and causing heart ache. She's quiet for a few moments, thinking and letting it go through her mind as to how she feels, how Zack must feel, and what to do with this.
Still not regretting kicking Angeal though.]
So today...he wanted to talk about what he did? And...you two fought about it? Verbally?
[Because if Angeal forced Zack to mercy kill him again...he's in a world of trouble with Aerith. Verbally, still not great, but something they can work with. She hoped.]
no subject
I don't...really talk about it. I couldn't, back then.
[ It was all company business, and telling her about it would have put her at risk. And he wouldn't do that, not for anything. ]
Today...his Warden thought we should talk and...actually talk. So he asked if he could come over, and I said yes because...I know we have to...find a way to sort some of this out so he can...actually graduate.
He mentioned something about an apology but we both agreed it...wouldn't really mean much right now. And I said, he probably needed more context before he could get there so...I played a recording I have of- of a statement I gave about the incident in Nibelheim. It upset him, and- we ended up in this...debate over whether Sephiroth should ever regain his memories or not. He made some comments that pissed me off; I got short with him. Because he was...doing that thing he did back home, where he just. Started putting everything on his own shoulders like he had to fix everything, when he doesn't even have a clue how to fix himself. And I yelled at him.
And it -
[ He stops, takes a breath, and blinks back the tears before going on. ]
It's just like before. I can't fix any of it.
no subject
[Or at least help him, guide him, support him where she could. It didn't feel like much. But it was also all she could do, out of love.
But she listened to what happened today, what caused this upset and...she blew out a breath, and gave his hands a squeeze.
That was bad. Really bad. It needed to happen, but it didn't mean it couldn't have been...she's not sure. Gone better? But it can't go better, because it's the same cycle, the same story. And she gives him a careful squeeze with her arms over his.]
It's not your fault Zack. None of this is your fault.
And you don't have to do this alone. Not anymore. I'm here. So is Cloud, Vincent, Yunlan and everyone else.
[She squeezed him again. So gently.]
Angeal needs to know he needs to look at himself, and needs to let himself be helped.
And you can help him too, by leading by example.
no subject
I don’t know how to lead him. I don’t - I can’t even figure out how to talk to him.
[ He tried and look what happened. A disaster. ]
It’s been years for me, a really long time, but for him, I was that 16 year old kid five seconds before he got here. It didn’t matter what I said or did then, either, and I don’t - I still don’t know what to do.
no subject
Two years since she died, and years since Zack died. A lot happened during that time too. And he'd been gone from her life for five. ]
He's going to have to adjust. You haven't been sixteen for a long time. But we can't force it.
Just...we don't need to plan. We don't need to know.
[She sighed. She wanted to yell at Angeal but it wouldn't help. Not Right Now.]
No leading, or any of it. You don't need to do this alone- and we don't have to do anything right away.
We're going to help him Zack. But I want you to promise me something.
no subject
Because he’s always been alone in those moments. Always had to make tough calls because no one else was there to do it.
This fight has just dragged all that up for him again, and even with Aerith here, he feels…trapped, for lack of a better word.
He knows he’s not by himself, that he has friends here…but retraining himself to lean on them is…hard.
It’s why he doesn’t say anything for a moment. Why he has to think about breathing instead and…trying not to cry. Again. ]
Promise you what?
[ His voice sounds small, and while it’s not an automatic ‘no’, it’s…tentative. ]
no subject
[Her voice was tentative. Soft. As if she thought that she would be rejected for offering such a thing. But she continues, even if she wasn't sure if he would take to the idea- if he would possibly decide to go at this by himself.
At least she tries to explain.]
It just seems...to me...that a lot of the bad stuff in our lives-you, me, Angeal, Cloud, Sephiroth and...heck, even Vincent...we try to be tough and do things alone.
And it blows up in our faces.
Please...Zack. When things are hard...please. Tell me. Even if we can't fix it- I don't want you to suffer and feel like you have to take on everything by yourself.
You don't deserve that. You never, ever deserved that.